Nine Years have passed

I use to love the month of March. The flowers are all starting to bloom, Softball season was starting, the weather is usually so nice. After High School it seemed like everything horrible happened in March. My Older Sister passed away March 25, 1999...has it been 9 years? Why is it that when something horrible happens you remember every single detail like it was yesterday? Three months before Brenda died she went into to have fluid removed from around her heart and she felt so good! We were so excited for her and really thought she was going to conquer this ugly disease. On March 25th I had a doctors appointment in the morning and Brenda was going up to LDS hospital for another fluid removing procedure. Brenda told my mom to go with me to my appointment and my dad took Brenda. We told Brenda we would come up right after my appointment. As we were leaving my appointment both my mom and I felt this urgency to get to the hospital as fast as we could. By the time we got there they had already taken Brenda back. I remember hearing my dad tell my mom that Brenda had said that she really wanted to wait for mom and that she needed my mom. At this point they had her on 100% oxygen which was being supplied directly from the hospital. I remember walking into the waiting room and my Grandma Alice and my Aunt Allison were there, which I thought was strange. Shortly after, over the intercom we heard "code blue" and saw doctors and nurses running down a hallway, the same hallway they had taken Brenda. I think at that point I knew something was wrong. About 15 minutes later Brenda's nurse came out and was trying to open a private room to tell us the news. I remember my mom asking what was going on and I remember my grandma asking, "is she dead?" The nurse said yes! My mom fell to the ground and began kicking and screaming just like a child would do if they didn't get what they wanted. I remember trying to calm my mom and telling her that we were going to be alright, but the whole time thinking I must be dreaming. How could this be happening? I just talked to her 2 hours ago. The nurse finally got us into the room and my mom was still screaming hysterically. I thought my mom was going to faint and she may have, I was still dreaming. Nothing seemed real to me. I remember talking and crying, but it was like I had just had a root canal and nothing was coming out right. It was my job to call Chad and Tara. Chad was home from school and Tara was at softball practice. I called Chad and told him to go pick up Tara and come up to the hospital. I waited out by the elevators to talk to them because I didn't want to tell them in front of my parents and have them have to deal with that. I remember telling them that Brenda didn't have anymore problems and that she was perfect. Chad knew exactly what I meant and it took Tara a minute to realize what I was saying. She took off running and screaming down the hall. We chased after her to find her huddled in a corner rocking with her arms wrapped around her knees.
After some time in the hallway we met my parents in the small room and Brenda's doctor came in to tell us exactly what had happened. Since Brenda was on 100% oxygen they had to take her off to get her to the operating room. She passed out from lack of oxygen. They put her back on the machine, but it was too late. They tried to resuscitate, but nothing. They then opened up her chest and tried to massage her heart, but nothing. Brenda passed away quietly and with no pain.
Later on they took us to see her. They had her in a section of the hospital that I didn't even know existed. It is were they lay the deceased for their families to come and see. We walked in and saw her, but it wasn't really her, it was her body, but not my sister. I knew that her spirit was gone. We kissed her body goodbye. Mom didn't want to leave. The drive home was long and quiet. I think I drove home, but I can't remember exactly. I remember driving up our street and seeing neighbors outside bringing food up to us. How did they already know? People just watching us as we walked inside. People kept coming to the door all night to check on us and to bring us food and gifts. Chad disappeared for a while, we found him up on the roof sitting and crying. He was too manly to let everyone see him cry. I remember taking a sleeping pill that night, mom too.
Our family believes that Brenda had a mission on earth to get our family sealed in the temple. Which she did. We were sealed September 6, 1996, 2 1/2 years before she died. Saturday after her death we went to the funeral home to discuss her burial. We were all drawn to one casket and decided that was the one for her...we later learned the name of the casket was "The Mission." Her funeral was held at our Church and there were so many people there. They opened the overflow and the cultural hall and people were sitting on the stage in the back. My mom spoke, we had 4 friends speak and I spoke. There was also a musical number by Bonnie Harris, I can't remember the name of the song, I think it was Fly. Brenda had written in her journal that she wanted that song sung at her funeral. I hate that so many of the things she did are fading from my memory, she use to sit and cross stitch while watching her shows in the evening, her socks always hung 2 inches off her toes, she always wore these stretching pants and one leg was always pulled up higher than the other, we could always find her by following the oxygen cord, she liked to do her idea of workouts (twisting back and forth to get rid of the love handles). Brenda and I were the worst of friends growing up. We had nothing in common. I was tall and skinny and athletic, she was short and chubby and preferred reading books. About a year before she died we became the best of friends. We took institute classes together, went to the singles ward together. I am so happy that we were friends when she passed away, no regrets. I miss my big sista.